人生伴侶

人生伴侶篇一：如何選擇人生伴侶的真正原因

如何選擇人生伴侶的真正原因

—— 我們?yōu)槭裁磹? 我們愛誰好

父母親的影響

你是否曾經(jīng)嘗試著了解一對已婚夫婦，他們似乎不僅僅是相互適應配合對方，更是共同愉悅，你卻說不清楚這是為什么？

我認識一對夫婦，丈夫曾經(jīng)是個身材強壯魁偉的運動員、一名成功的推銷員及小里格聯(lián)盟的教練。每周星期六與朋友們積極活躍在旋輪俱樂部或者打高爾夫球。但是，他的妻子身材小巧玲瓏，性格恬靜，是一個不折不扣的家庭主婦，他甚至不喜歡外出就餐。

是什么神秘的力量促使我們愛一個人，又是什么神秘的力量拆散可能有著相同愿望而且不帶任何偏見的另一半。

我們理想中的完美伴侶受許多因素影響，最值得探討的是約翰霍普金斯大學名譽醫(yī)學心理學教授及兒科專家約翰·莫尼所倡導的“愛情地圖”，在我們大腦反映我們喜惡的一組信息編碼。它顯示了我們所鐘情伴侶的頭發(fā)、眼睛顏色、聲音、體味及體型信息。它也記錄了吸引我們的伴侶的個性是熱情友好型或者是強健沉默型。

總之，我們尋求最接近“愛情地圖”的那些人，成為我們的朋友，“愛情地圖”很大程度上取決于童年。孩子成長到8歲時，理想中的伴侶已經(jīng)開始索繞在其頭腦。

當我公開演講時常常提問觀眾中的夫婦們是什么原因促使他們約會或者走進婚姻的殿堂。答案多種多樣，從她身體強健且個性獨立到我偏愛的紅頭發(fā)的人，我喜歡他很幽默，開開心心，笑容滿面，人生自然相伴相依了。

我相信他們的回答，但是我明白如果我要求同樣的男男女女描述一下他們的母親，發(fā)現(xiàn)他們理想中的伴侶與他們的母親有許多相似之處。是的，我們的母親，我們人生中第一個真正的關愛我們的人——“愛情地圖”當然應該濃墨重彩。當我們幼小時，母親的言行舉止是我們關注的中心，我們也是母親關注的重點。因此，母親的性格在我們人生的旅途上留下了不可磨滅的印象，我們永遠忘不了母親的表情、體型、個性和幽默感。如果我們的母親熱情大方，成年后我

們將會被熱情大方的異性所吸引，尋找熱情大方型伴侶；如果我們的母親強健正直，我們將會尋找強健正直型伴侶。

母親對男孩子們有著特別的影響，她不僅引導他們尋找伴侶，而且通常也影響他們如何與女性交往。如果女朋友熱情漂亮，男孩們將認為正合母親的心愿。因此，他們就可能生活幸福，百頭諧老。

反之，母親性格抑郁，時而熱情友好時而冷酷無情，可能導致男孩“舞會上坐冷板凳”。由于她母親的性格讓他無所適從，因此他害怕承擔家庭責任而遠離女朋友。

母親的品質很大程度上決定了怎樣的異性朋友被我們吸引；父親，我們生活中的第一位影響我們與異性交往的男子漢，其對于孩子的個性成長以及孩子選擇幸福的婚姻生活將產(chǎn)生巨大的影響。

母親僅僅影響兒子對女性的一般情感，父親則影響女兒對男性的一般情感。如果父親慷慨表揚女兒表明女兒受到了尊重，她與男性交往時就會自我感覺良好。但是如果父親冷酷無情，女兒就會變得不那么可愛和風趣了。

此外，大多數(shù)人在成長過程中都有相似的社會背景。我們依戀同一個城市的人們，我們交往的朋友具有相同的教育背景和職業(yè)目標。因此，我們希望與他人友好相處，其樂融融，尤其是與類似我們家庭背景的人交朋友。

互補的需要

下面談談對立，對立雙方真的能夠相互吸引嗎？肯定如此還是毫無可能呢？我們常常顧影自憐，比如，按照自然法則吸引異性，通常就會門當戶對。美國西北大學終身社會學教授羅伯特·溫奇在他的研究中指出：我們選擇婚姻伴侶牽涉到一系列社會背景的異同之處，而且他認為我們尋找人生伴侶與兩人社會背景及性格上的互補密不可分。健談者往往會吸引一個傾聽型伴侶，性格暴躁者可能會尋求一個唯唯諾諾、言聽計從的伴侶。

即使是耄耋老人，切身體會婚姻歷程后忠告我們：選擇人生伴侶一定要心意相通，或者，恰如溫奇的觀察：多數(shù)白頭偕老的伴侶們可能源自相似的社會背景和不同的個性特征。

因此，生活中有許多來自不同社會背景的情侶們步入婚姻的殿堂，而且姻緣美滿，一生幸福。我認識一個家住芝加哥的傳統(tǒng)的愛爾蘭家庭背景的工人，深深愛上了一個信奉浸信會的非裔美國籍的女子。當他們結婚時，他們的親朋好友都

認為這個家庭搖搖欲墜。但是時過境遷25年后，他們的小日子依然如故：紅紅火火，且幸福美滿。

原來該名女子喜歡她胸懷愛心、為人厚道的婆母，婆母勤懇踏實地料理家務，常去教會擔當志愿者或者幫助那些需要幫助的人們。因此，她不考慮她與丈夫在種族、宗教信仰和其它許多社會背景方面的巨大差異而仍對丈夫一往情深——“千里共嬋娟”。

猶太人喬治·伯倫與愛爾蘭天主教徒格瑞斯·愛倫喜結連理，他過去常常引以自豪地說：他的婚姻就象他終愛的一場優(yōu)美動聽的樂曲，盡管格瑞斯風趣滑稽有余。他們倆共同擁有一定的社會異同：同鄉(xiāng)且家庭貧困。然而，他們第一次同臺演出促成其終生相伴。他們倆純粹屬于互補型夫婦：男人直心直腸，女人婉轉幽默。

世界上有一些“與眾不同的夫婦”，幾乎痛苦終生，比如一些驕人的年輕人結婚后變成了平庸的奴仆，人們戲稱類似的愛情交易是半斤對八兩，即公平合理。當男人或者女人擁有某項特定資產(chǎn)，包括知識水平高、美貌超群、使人神魂顛倒的個性，或者腰纏萬貫等選擇人生伴侶就可以優(yōu)勢互補，取長補短。例如：美貌超群者常與有權有錢的紈绔子弟匹配，富裕家庭的草包常與貧窮家庭才貌雙全者般配。

事實上，幾乎任何夫妻都可能天長地久，和諧美滿。我的鄰居駐足于一個晚會，晚會上，一個將近50歲的男人羅伯特沖口而出：“如果你的女兒計劃嫁給一個年輕人并且愿意作家庭主婦，你對此有什么看法？”

“除非你的女兒喜歡烹飪�！蔽艺f道“我想她是昏了頭”。

“正是”，他的妻子隨即高聲附合。“羅伯特，你的問題真幼稚，你該洗洗腦了。這事關鍵在于他們兩情相悅，互相愛慕而已。”

我試圖安慰羅伯特，指出年輕人選中她們的女兒作為人生伴侶，原因是他們的女兒擁有他媽媽公正大方的性格。

難道世界上真有一見鐘情嗎？又難道沒有嗎？無數(shù)的男男女女們墜入愛河，人們可能會立刻發(fā)現(xiàn)這些情侶們有著獨一無二的相似之處。最普遍可能性是同讀一本書或者是同鄉(xiāng)。同時，他們互相尊重對方并承認對方有別于已的性格特點以便彌補自己性格上的不足。

在那個度日如年的周末，我巧遇一個手握愛情魔杖的人，當時我就讀康奈爾大學，是大學二年級學生，恰恰我患了重感冒，心情忐忑地與家人前往可特斯可山度假，我無奈地決定到處走走，心想總比孤孤單單的獨自呆在客房里好。當天晚上我正準備去晚餐，我的妹妹匆匆忙忙地沖上樓梯向我大喊：“只要你走進餐廳，你就會遇到你要下嫁的白馬王子”。

當時我認為是妹妹“瞎胡鬧”，但是事實證明我妹妹沒有比這更金口玉言的了，我一看見他就賞心悅目。他也就讀康奈兒大學，醫(yī)學院預科生，順便提及一下，他也患了重感冒，我與彌爾頓遂一見鐘情。

彌爾頓與我同甘共苦牽手人生39年，直到他1989年離開人世。愛的洗禮歷歷在目，正如，里奇·弗洛姆所說的“夫妻雙方感情磨擦碰撞，直至合二為一”，縱然我們倆各自不斷變化、日益發(fā)展和晝夜兼程地努力踐行生活的方方面面。

人生伴侶篇二：如何選擇人生伴侶的真正原因

如何選擇人生伴侶的真正原因

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熱度20票 瀏覽2833次 【共2條評論】【我要評論】 時間：2008年8月28日 10:28

Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together--yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why?

I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coached Little League, was active in his Rotary Club and played golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete homebody. She doesn't even like to go out to dinner.

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?

Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical

psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our 'lovemap'--a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our

lovemap. And this lovemap is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.

When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what dr

ew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from 'She's strong and independent' and 'I go for redheads' to 'I love his sense of humor' and 'That crooked smile, that's what did it.'

I believe what they say. But I also know that if I were to ask those same men and women to describe their mothers, there would be many similarities between their ideal mates and their moms. Yes, our mothers--the first real love of our lives--write a significant portion of our lovemap.

When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.

The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that's the way women are. They will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house.

Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who

becomes a 'dance-away lover.' Because he's been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason.

While the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it's the father--the first male in our lives--who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect on their children's personalities and chances of marital happiness.

Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men. If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile

person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation to men. But if the father is

cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive.

What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.

In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own.

Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with

complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.

It's rather like the old, but perceptive, saying on the subject of marriage that advises future partners to make sure that the holes in one's head fit the bumps in the other's. Or, as Winch observed, it's the balancing out of

sociological likenesses and psychological differences that seems to point the way for the most solid lifelong romance.

However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a

factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African-American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.

It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law--a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or

help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant to him.

Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social

similarities--both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went on stage together. They complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.

There are certainly such 'odd couples' who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity theory.

When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else's strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster for the power and security that come with big bucks. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.

Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some

neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted out, 'What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?'

'Unless your daughter loves cooking,' I responded, 'I'd say she was darn lucky.'

'Exactly,' his wife agreed. 'It's really your problem, Robert--that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, they're in love.'

I tried to reassure Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person--a trait he shared with her own mother.

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discovers a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.

I happen to be one of those who was struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room.

That night as I was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, 'When you walk into that dining room, you're going to meet the man you'll marry.'

I think I said something like 'Buzz off!' But my sister couldn't have been more right. I knew it from the moment I saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. He was a premed student, also at Cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. I fell in love with Milton the instant I met him.

Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love that Erich Fromm called a 'feeling of fusion, of oneness,' even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.

你是否曾經(jīng)嘗試著了解一對已婚夫婦，他們似乎不僅僅是相互適應配合對方，更是共同愉悅，你卻說不清楚這是為什么？

人生伴侶篇三：人生伴侶

人生伴侶

俗話說：“讀萬卷書，行萬里路�！弊x的書多了，積累的知識自然也就多了。正像宋代的朱熹在：《觀書有感》中說到：“問渠那得清如許，為有源頭活水來。”水之清澈，是因為有源頭活水注入。這就要求我們心靈澄明，就得讀書，時時補充新知識。

我們要學會讀書，體會書中的美意，賞析書中的語段。學會挑書的毛病，積累書中的知識，要用大腦去記憶這些知識，大腦是思維的發(fā)源地，智慧的藏府，創(chuàng)造的源泉。每一個人的大腦都是一個取之不盡，用之不竭的礦藏，每個人都擁有巨大的潛力，潛力的深淺就在于你有沒有好好地去開發(fā)它，研究它。讀書不在于讀的書多，而在于你在讀書中記憶了多少知識。我們每個人都應該成為巨人，人人都可以創(chuàng)造不平凡的業(yè)績，做出偉大的貢獻。成功絕不是某些人的專利，人人都可以成為有用之才。

書籍是最好的朋友，當生活遇到任何困難的時候，你都可以向它求助，他永遠不會背叛你。高爾基說過：“我撲在書上，就像饑餓的人撲在面包上！”書猶如我們的朋友，與我們共同學習，進步。

讀書豐富了我們的知識，，開拓了我們的視野，而讀一本好書，更是如同飲一泓清泉，甘之若怡；如同飲一杯好酒，書使人從無知變得聰明，從幼稚走向成熟，使人內心從貧瘠變得豐富，從枯燥走向寧靜。每一本書，都是一盞明燈，一盞一盞，照亮夜行的路！

讀書好，好讀書，讀好書。

書和太陽一樣，能夠給人帶來光明和溫暖，好書是世間的一方凈土，是一個寄托靈魂的樂園。讀書之法，在循序漸進，熟讀而精思。

相關熱詞搜索：伴侶 人生 人生伴侶互補 如何選擇人生伴侶