中外幽默笑話集錦

中外幽默笑話集錦篇一：精選爆笑笑話集錦

1. 你拉著一頭豬逛街，很幸福的樣子。 我經過，滿懷同情地說：“看一個人的檔次，就看他跟誰在一起�！� 話未說完，就看到豬很鄙夷地棄你而去。

2. 一個人帶著他的助手去打高爾夫球，第一球沒打進，大罵：“他媽的打偏了，”助手對他說：“不要罵人，會被雷劈的�！钡诙�球打了出去，又沒進：“他媽的又打偏了�！边@時風云大變，一道閃電劈了下來，把那個助手劈死了，打球的那個人正納悶，不是罵人才會被劈嘛。。。這是天上傳來一句話：“他媽的我也打偏了。”。。

3. 大學有一哥們從來口無遮攔，但是常被我們駁倒，每次被駁倒之后，他總氣急敗壞地說：“我詛咒你女朋友不是處女！”這招還真靈，大家都拿他沒辦法。 有一天，他故伎重演，還變本加厲地罵道：“我詛咒你們宿舍所有人的女朋友都不是處女�。�！”

這時，宿舍里很少言語的一個GG在大家沉默的時候來了一句：“我們真誠祝福你的女朋友永遠都是處女……”

4. 甲老師在批改英語作文，忽然大發(fā)雷霆：“我從來沒看過這么爛的英語作文�！� 乙老師見狀問：“寫的是什么啊？”

甲老師：“寫一個王子和公主的故事�！�

“不錯呀！”乙說。

“他竟然在開頭寫王子問公主?Can you speak Chinese??公主回答?Yes?，接下來的全部都是中文！”

5. 在一個非常非常寒冷的早晨，哥與朋友 去提款機取錢。正好遇見運鈔車來加鈔。無奈之下 兩人只好站在一旁苦苦等候，這時朋友問我：“凍 手不？”哥冷冷地回一句：“凍手！” 結果四 桿槍瞬間指向俺倆，俺倆差點悲劇 ......(難過)

6. 我一朋友在聯(lián)通實習，一天，一老頭走近來，劈頭蓋臉就來句“給我辦張移動卡，好吧？”然后我那朋友頭也不抬的就來句：“師傅，有人來砸場子！” 7. 犯人被執(zhí)行槍決，由于子彈質量不好，第一槍沒響，接著又開了第二槍。。。第三槍。。。這時犯人哭了，抱著法警的大腿說：大哥你掐死我把！太他媽嚇人了.....

8. 某精神病院聽說領導要來醫(yī)院視察情況，于是，院長召集所的病人開會在會上， 院長講道：“今天下午，有很重要的領導要來參觀，所有的人都要去門口歡迎。在歡 迎的時候，所有病人站在醫(yī)院大門口兩邊，要站整齊，當我咳嗽的時候，大家一起鼓 掌，越熱烈越好；我跺腳的時候必須全部停止，不能有一個出錯。要大家都做好了， 今天晚上可以給大家吃肉包子，只要有一個人弄砸了，所有的人都沒有包子吃，記住 了嗎？”臺下病人一起喊道：“記住了！” 這天下午，領導準時到來，當他步入大門的時候，歡迎的病人已在門口站好了這 時，隨著院 長一聲咳嗽，所有的病人一起鼓掌歡迎，氣氛十分熱烈。來參觀的領導 受到熱烈氣氛的感染，面帶笑容，和大家一起鼓掌步入醫(yī)院。見領導已經走進了醫(yī) 院，院長一跺腳，所的掌聲都停止了，非常整齊。只有這位領導還在面帶笑容一邊鼓 掌一前行，院長感到非常滿意。忽然，從歡迎的人群里竄出來一個壯如施瓦辛格的病 人，大步沖到領導面前，掄圓了給了他一個大耳光，氣憤異常地吼道——“你丫不想吃包子了？�。�！”

9. 酒吧里，喬治獨自在喝著啤酒。他突然覺得自己要去洗手間，他怕離開后有

人偷喝他的啤酒，便在桌上寫了一張紙條：“我在杯中吐了口水�！彼�回來后，發(fā)現(xiàn)紙上又加了一句：“我也吐了一口。”。。。

10. 一次軍事演戲中，一棵炮彈偏離很遠。派去查看的士兵發(fā)現(xiàn)，炮彈落在農田

里，田中站著一農民，衣衫破碎滿面漆黑，雙眼含淚的說：偷棵白菜，犯得著用炮轟嗎？？？

11. 飛機上，一只鸚鵡對空姐說：“給爺來杯水”，豬也學鸚鵡，對空姐說：“給爺

來杯水”，空姐大怒，將鸚鵡和豬都扔下了飛機。這時鸚鵡對豬說：“傻了吧，爺會飛�！�

13.某日，一個大學老師提問一學生，樹上有十只鳥，開槍打死一只，還剩幾只？ 學生反問：是無聲手槍嗎？不是槍聲有多大？80-100分貝。在這個城市打鳥犯不犯法？不犯。您確定那只鳥真的被打死了嗎？確定。這時，老師已經不耐煩了：“，你告訴我還剩幾只鳥就行了，OK？樹上的鳥里有沒有聾子？沒有。有沒有被關在籠子里掛在樹上的？沒有。邊上有沒有其他的樹，樹上還有沒有其他的鳥？沒有。如果有鳥懷孕了，算不算肚子里的小鳥？不算。 打鳥的人眼有沒有花？沒有花，就十只。教師已經是滿頭是汗，且下課鈴響，但學生繼續(xù)問：有沒有傻得不怕死的鳥？都怕死。會不會一槍打死兩只？不會。學生滿懷信心地說：，如果您的回答沒有騙人“打死的鳥要是掛在樹上沒有掉下來，那么就剩一只，如果掉下來，就一只不剩。老師當即口吐白沫倒在地上！

14. 有兩個造假鈔的不小心造出面值15元的假鈔，兩人決定拿到偏遠山區(qū)花掉，當他們拿一張15元買了1元的糖葫蘆好，他們哭了，農民找了他們兩張7塊的。

15夏天，一只長頸鹿遇到一只兔子，她對兔子很得意地炫耀她的脖子： 啊，小兔子，你知道有個長長的脖子多好嗎？你知道那些最高處的樹葉是多么鮮嫩甜美嗎？你知道夏天喝水的感覺嗎？清爽的水慢慢經過脖子，兔子看了她一眼，只說了一句：”你試過吐沒有？”

16,“老婆，劉翔比賽馬上就開始了，你看選手都準備下蹲起跑了，讓我看完咱們再做好嗎？”

“不嘛不嘛，人家現(xiàn)在就想要！”

男人無奈關了電視，與老婆大干一番。

完事之后，男人打開電視， 電視里解說員激動地喊著：“劉翔沖刺！贏了！冠軍！ 12秒97！”

17某男見同事將情人電話備注改成10086后，多次在緊急情況下脫險，便也效仿。某天晚上，該男第一次在妻子面前接到情人電話，還故意讓妻子看來電顯示：10086。

看完，妻子立刻搶過手機，將電話中正撒嬌的女人一頓臭罵，然后對丈夫吼道：“你當老娘傻��！你用的是聯(lián)通卡，10086給你打電話，串門走親戚啊？”

18. 聯(lián)通推出iphone沃信來對抗微信。據(jù)知情人士透露聯(lián)通將會繼續(xù)推出專門為iphone設計的座充“沃槽”，手機支架“沃靠”，屏幕清潔布“沃擦”，地圖軟件“沃去”，日歷插件“沃日”，播放器“沃勒歌去”！

19. 老爸接孩子從幼兒園回家，路上孩子對他說：爸爸，我累了。老爸對孩子說：咱倆數(shù)到三，爸爸就抱你走，行不行？ 孩子很高興的答應了。然后，老爸大聲說：預備——齊步走！1、2、1；1、2、1；1、2、1。。。他們倆一路走回家了。。。

20一游泳教練在商場里購物。一個漂亮的女士向他打招呼。他定睛一看，是他的一個學員。他于是大聲說到：“你穿上衣服，還真認不出你！”

21. 電腦老是藍屏，無奈把我的好哥們叫來檢查一下。 他來了看了足足十分鐘，然后問我：“你顯示器是不是哈六生產的？” 我沒聽明白，隨便應了句：“恩！” 隨后他說：“哈藥六廠生產的就是藍屏的！

22. 不要跟電子眼慪氣今天我在開車時，測速電子眼閃了我一下。我絕對沒有超速，于是我又回去以更慢的速度經過那個電子眼，它又閃了。我很疑惑，就又試了一次，它果然又閃了。覺得好玩，我就以龜速又通過了它。后來我因為沒系安全帶收到了4張罰單。

23. 大清早，一哥們對我說：“看新聞了嗎？出六級試卷那磚家被劫匪綁架了，劫匪讓拿一千萬贖人，要不然就用汽油燒死�，F(xiàn)在正募捐著呢，咱也捐點吧。 ”我說：“好，大家伙兒一般都捐多少？”那哥們說：“看情況吧，有捐2升的，也有捐10升的。。。

24半年前，為了鞭策自己減肥，我堅持每天記錄自己的體重，填入Excel表格，生成一個走勢圖……今天，同事經過我的座位，只見他走過去了又若有所思地倒了回來，趴我耳邊悄悄問：那個……能不能透露一下，你這是哪只股票��？走勢蠻好的……蠻好的……好的……的…

25．10 9 8 7 6 。。。 1 起床！東風一號跟蹤正常，遙測信號正常，手機鬧鐘提示正常，內衣穿著正常，外套穿著正常，棉被展開正常，身體與床板正在分離，身體與床板正在。。。分離。。。擦！可恥滴失敗鳥。。。。

26. 黑猩猩不小心踩到了長臂猿拉的大便，長臂猿溫柔細心地幫其擦洗干凈后它們相愛了。別人問起他們是怎么走到一起的？黑猩猩感慨地說：猿糞！都是猿糞啊！

27. 同事老公姓周，她姓夏，在討論將來寶寶名字，想好一個簡單的“周一”，大家說，不錯不錯，這個名字還有延續(xù)性，一口氣可以生七個，從周一到周七，有人問：那如果生了第八個怎么辦呢？同事說：第八個就叫夏周一

28．9對3說，我除了你，還是你；4對2說，我除了2，還是2；1對0說，我除了你，一切都沒有意義；0對1說，我除了你，就是孤獨的自己 。數(shù)學是最浪漫的，它比世上任何東西都要完美，它從不說謊，也不會背叛。

中外幽默笑話集錦篇二：中西方文化差異鬧出的笑話

英語劇

中西風俗習慣差異鬧出的笑話

4個人

留學生Jim受邀到寶玉家吃飯。

場景一

邀請

Baoyu: Hello, Jim. How are you today?

Jim: Not bad. What about you?

Baoyu: I’m OK. If you have time, you can come to my house to have dinner. Jim: （做貪婪狀）Really? I really want to go. Can I go tonight?

Baoyu: (苦笑。我是說客套話而已啊。) OK, OK. You can come tonight.

Jim: （驚喜）You are my good friend. Oh, very very very good friend. I really want to try some special Chinese food. I like Beijing duck, dumplings, mapo tofu, shuizhu fish, gongbao chicken, hongshao pork ….

Baoyu: （無奈）Oh, my god! You are a chihuo.

場景二

見面, Jim 敲門，寶玉開門。

Baoyu: Hello. Jim. This is my mother.

Baoyu’s Mom: （伸手，準備握手）Nice to meet you.

Jim: (擁抱) Oh, Baoyu’s mother. You are so beautiful.

Baoyu’s Mom: （尷尬躲避）Welcome, welcome, welcome. Please sit down. Jim: （遞上一包糖果）Here is some presents for you.

Baoyu: Thank you. You don’t need to bring these things.

Jim: Really? OK, I’ll bring it back.（放回自己的口袋）

Baoyu: （一臉黑線）Dinner is ready. Let’s have dinner.

Jim: OK.

場景三

吃飯

大家一起到餐桌，坐下，吃飯。

Jim: Oh，chopsticks! Let me try. I think I can’t use them. Can you give me a spoon. Baoyu: OK. Here you are. Please eat some fish.（給Jim夾魚肉）

Jim: No, thank you. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous.

Baoyu’s mother: Please eat some chicken. Please eat some duck. Please eat some tofu. Please eat some egg…

Jim: （眼睛瞪大）You are so hospitable. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous. Eat… eat…（繼續(xù)夾菜給Jim）

Jim: （尷尬無奈地吃）

Baoyu: I am so happy you can come. Let’s drink some wine. Cheers.

Jim: （喝了一口）Good wine. Good wine.

Baoyu: Oh, you must drink it all. Yes, yes, one cup again. （繼續(xù)倒酒）

Jim: Oh, no no no … I can’t drink so much wine.

Baoyu: Give me face, friend. Drink it all…

Jim: （無奈喝掉, 結果因為吃太飽喝太多暈倒。）

Baoyu: Call 110.

中外幽默笑話集錦篇三：英語笑話集錦

Only a few words

At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger.

"What words do you know?"

"Your purse or your life!"

Marry Him

Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me?" She asked her mother

Gallant Effort

At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones."

"To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

I am the Driver

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.

"It's too crowded," they shouted. "What do you think you are?"

"I'm the driver," he said

I want a nightmare

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.

I can go home

One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I

can go home. Good-bye, Sir."

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me,&quo

t; replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

Good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

It worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Business just started

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and

had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

You can married one of them

One day girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

I am a Busy Man

One day a bunch of naughty children wanted to make fun of him and said to him:" There are birds' eggs on that tree. Won't you get them for us please? We can't climb up."

Loath to disappoint the children, he was ready to climb the tree. But knowing that the mischievous youngsters would make off with his boots if he left them on the ground, he tied them to his waist-band before he started the climb.

"We'll take care of your boots for you!" the children chorused.

"No, thank you!" was he reply. "I am a busy man. And as soon as I've got the eggs for you;I'll make my way home along the tree-tops."

Not too Bad

"Did you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"

"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one

When a Tiger comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

It depends

Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?

Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.

相關熱詞搜索：集錦 中外 幽默 笑話 中外幽默笑話集錦txt 幽默小笑話集錦