英語簡短笑話

英語簡短笑話篇一：短篇英語笑話10則帶翻譯

短篇英語笑話10則帶翻譯

① Goldfish金魚

Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

Stan: In the bathroom 。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛） them!

=================================================================== 斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。

弗雷德：你想在哪兒養(yǎng)它們？

斯丹：浴室。

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎么辦？

斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！

② The Revenge 欺騙的代價(jià)

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

=================================================================== 老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：“我死后，我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯�！� 妻子說：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁給任何人�！� 約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做�！� 妻子：“為什么？” 約翰遜：“因?yàn)榄偹乖�在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我�！�

③ I think that I'm a chicken 我想我是一只雞

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

=================================================================== 精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞。

精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時候開始的？

病人：從我還是一只蛋的時候開始。

④ How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出來

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?"

===================================================================

當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢？”

⑤ Where Am I 我在哪兒

An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir." =================================================================

一個英國人在鄉(xiāng)下開車時迷了路，他看見一個農(nóng)民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開過去問那位農(nóng)民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現(xiàn)在這是在哪兒嗎？” “可以�！鞭r(nóng)夫奇怪地看了看他，然后說道：“你現(xiàn)在在你的車子里，先生�！�

⑥ Why do you never phone me?你為什么不給我打電話？

Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week." Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?" Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't got a phone." "No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"

====================================================================== 我會告訴你這篇沒有中文翻譯嗎。。。

⑦ The Same Action Yields the Same Result相同的投資相同的結(jié)果

A couple of hunters chartered a small plane to fly them to a forest, and made an appointment with the pilot to come back and fetch them in about two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, they had shot a lot of animals that they wanted to load onto the plane. But the pilot said, "This plane won't be able to take more than one wild buffalo. You'll have to leave the others behind." Then the hunters protested, saying, "But last year, another pilot with the same airplane let us take two buffalos and some other animals in the plane as well." So the new pilot thought about it. He was a little bit skeptical, but finally he said, "OK, since you did it last year, I guess this year we can do it again." Then he loaded the two buffalos and a few other animals in, and the plane took off. Five minutes later, it crashed in a neighboring area. The three men climbed out and looked around, and one hunter said to the other, "Where do you think we are now?" The second one surveyed the area and said, "I think we're about one mile to the left of the place we crashed last year."

====================================================================== 有兩個獵人包機(jī)前往一座森林，到了以后，他們和飛行員約定好兩周后來接。兩周后，他們射了許多動物，而且打算把這些動物全部搬上那架小飛機(jī)，可是飛行員說：“這架飛機(jī)除了

一頭野牛外，沒辦法再多載了。你們必須把其他的獵物都留下�！� 獵人說：“但是去年另一個飛行員開一樣的飛機(jī)，就讓我們帶兩只水牛，還有一些其他的動物上機(jī)！” (來自:www.zuancaijixie.com 蒲公英文 摘:英語簡短笑話)因?yàn)樗麄冞@樣抗議，所以那個新飛行員想了一想后，盡管還是有點(diǎn)存疑，最后還是妥協(xié)說：“好吧！如果去年可以做到，今年應(yīng)該也可以�！彼�以他裝了兩頭水牛和一些其他的動物。結(jié)果飛機(jī)起飛五分鐘后，就墜落在鄰近的地方。這3個人從飛機(jī)爬出來看了看四周，其中一個獵人對另一個說：“你認(rèn)為我們現(xiàn)在在哪兒？” 那個人瞧了一下，說：“我想大概距離去年墜機(jī)的地方西邊一英哩遠(yuǎn)！”

⑧ Chief is at the wedding 長官在婚禮上

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer."I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."

"But ,officer, I …."

"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

====================================================================== 大街上的一個超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。“但是警官”這個人說道，“我可以解釋的”。 “保持安靜”，警察突然說道�！拔覍�把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長官回來�！暗�是，警察，我，，，”。 “我說過了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了�！睅仔�時后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說道“算你運(yùn)氣好，因?yàn)槲覀兊拈L官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個愉快的心情回來的�！� “你確定”在牢房里的這個人說道�！拔揖褪切吕裳健薄�

⑨ Who Is the Laziest 誰最懶

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

====================================================================== 父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現(xiàn)在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

⑩ Two Birds 兩只鳥

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

====================================================================== 老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

英語簡短笑話篇二：英語短文笑話全集

英語短文笑話

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網(wǎng)

"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發(fā)問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老師

9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。

"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。

"媽媽，我不喜歡，因?yàn)樗�說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his

classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the

thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考試

在一次物理考試時，當(dāng)同學(xué)們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。

這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？

尼克的回答是：因?yàn)檠劬υ谇�，耳朵在后�?/p>

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

距事故的距離

一個木匠為一個目擊的事故做證詞.法官問他與事故發(fā)生地方的距離有多遠(yuǎn).

這個木匠回答道:"27英尺6.5英寸遠(yuǎn)."

"什么?你怎么對這個距離如此肯定?"這個法官問道.

"噢,我知道有些白癡會問我,所以我測量了一下."這個木匠回答道.

稱重

An irritated woman burst into the baker's shop and said:"I sent my son in for 2 pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied:"Ma'am, I suggest you

weigh your son."

一個女人怒氣沖沖的闖進(jìn)面包店，說：“今早上我讓我兒子買了2磅的餅干，但是當(dāng)我稱它們的時候卻只有一磅了。我覺得你的稱有問題”。面包師鎮(zhèn)定的看了看女人，說：“女士，我覺

得您該回去稱一稱您的兒子”

Trouble you again

A robust-lookinggentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

再次麻煩你

一個看起來很健壯的紳士在一個很貴的餐廳吃完精致的早餐并且喝了一些拿破侖白蘭

地。然后他叫來服務(wù)生領(lǐng)班，“你還記得嗎？”他愉快的說道，“大概一年以前，我在這里像這樣就餐，然后因?yàn)槲腋恫黄饚ぃ�你把我想乞丐一樣扔進(jìn)排水溝里”

“非常抱歉先生”后悔的服務(wù)生領(lǐng)班說道。

“噢，那非常不錯”這個客人道，“但是 我恐怕還得再麻煩你一次�！�

詞匯：1、gutter n.排水溝，臭水溝；2、bum n. 二流子，乞丐；3、headwaiter n.領(lǐng)班

丈夫和妻子

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 妻子：你給男人說點(diǎn)事，他左耳朵進(jìn)，右耳朵出。(轉(zhuǎn)身就給忘了)

丈夫：你給女人說點(diǎn)事，她兩個耳朵都聽進(jìn)去了，可是從嘴里出來了。

你吹牛吧！

The little John taught his parrot to speak "follow me to say that I can walk."

"I can walk." said the parrot following.

"I can speak."

"I can speak." The parrot simulatedas almost the same as he did.

"I can fly."

"You talk big." The parrot said without thinking for a while.

You talk big

小約翰教他的鸚鵡說話“跟我說，我會走路."

"我會走路”鸚鵡跟著說。

“我會說話�！�

“我會說話。”鸚鵡模仿的和他說的幾乎一模一樣。

“我會飛�！�

“你吹牛吧。”鸚鵡不假思索地說。

相關(guān)詞匯解析：1.parrot n.鸚鵡；2.simulate vt.模仿

Five years experience and imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

5年經(jīng)驗(yàn)和豐富想像力

只上了幾周班的年輕人被叫到了人事主管的辦公室。

“這是什么意思？”主管問到“你應(yīng)聘這從份工作的時候，你告訴我們，你有五年的經(jīng)驗(yàn)�，F(xiàn)在

我們確發(fā)現(xiàn)，這是你的第一份工作�！�

“是的”。年輕人說，“你在應(yīng)聘廣告中說到，你想要的是一個有想像力的員工呀！”Proposal

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

求婚

一位非常富有的男人在他65歲的愛上了一位20歲的年輕女孩，他打算向她求婚。

“你認(rèn)為如果我告訴她我現(xiàn)在45歲她會答應(yīng)嫁給我嗎？”他問他的一個朋友。

他的朋友回答：“如果你告訴她你現(xiàn)在90歲的話，你成功的機(jī)率會更大�！�

相關(guān)詞匯解析：1.proposal n.求婚；（還有建議，提案等，之前有學(xué)過了，大家還記得嗎？）

2.enormously adj.巨大的，龐大的；

３.contemplate vt. 預(yù)期，計(jì)劃

We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the

milkman on the door:

NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house

ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!

We Left Nothing

布朗太太這天出門，走之前在門上訂了個便條給送奶工：

屋里沒人，什么都不用留。

晚上當(dāng)她回家的時候，她發(fā)現(xiàn)她的門已經(jīng)被砸開，屋子被洗劫一空。

在她留的便條上，她發(fā)現(xiàn)被加一行留言：

謝謝！我們什么都沒留下！

遲了四十年

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the

doorbell. He staggeredoff the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous

young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years

too late."

遲了四十年

一老頭睡得正香，突然被門鈴聲驚醒了，于是他緩緩地從沙發(fā)走向門口。開門一看，是一個

年輕美麗的女人。

“天哪，我找錯地方了”，少婦驚呼。

“寶貝，你沒走錯，你只是遲了四十年�！崩先苏f道。

相關(guān)詞匯解析

1. stagger vi.搖搖晃晃,蹣跚而行

2.gorgeous adj.華麗的，秀色可餐的，極好的

3.exclaim vi 驚叫，呼喊

英語笑話短文

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

豬還是女巫

一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬��！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫��！”他們繼續(xù)前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉(zhuǎn)彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。

—————————————————————————————————————————

Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答問技巧

衣阿華州奧格根的一位牧師正在與一位教友為一杯咖啡而猜硬幣。別人問他那是否構(gòu)成賭博行為時，牧師答道：“這僅僅是決定由誰來做一件善事的一種科學(xué)方法�！�

當(dāng)我人問哲學(xué)家羅素是否愿意為了他的信仰而獻(xiàn)身時，他答道：“當(dāng)然不會。畢竟，我可能會是錯的�！�

英語簡短笑話篇三：英語短笑話

? What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

(Jon)

? Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.

When did you first notice this problem?

What problem? (Scott)

? What is defference between man and Superman?

Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. (Tejas Chachcha)

? How do you know if your a red neck?

You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth)

? Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. (Kyle Burglie)

? Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead Bonehead)

? Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework. (Scott)

? What is green and smells?

Hulk's fart.

(Azbar Kahleed)

? Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?

Becase he was a party pooper. (Briana)

? You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)

? Yo mamma is so fat:

She eats Wheat Thicks.

We're in her right now.

? She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world. She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY." (M.P. Monaghan)

? Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it". (M. P.

Monaghan)

? Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M. P. Monaghan)

? How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch into her ear...

? How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

? Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

? What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

? Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

? Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

? What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

? What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

? Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

? Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

? Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks. ? Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

? Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

? Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

? How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. ? How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None. The invisible hand does it.

? How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

? Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

George Carlin

? You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneris

? I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

? I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. Carol Leifer

? I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat peple.

Ed Bluestone

? I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries". The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that". Jay Leno

? Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

? What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

Nuclear fission.

? Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?

Because it had a nice groove in it!

? How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

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