英語(yǔ)幽默笑話txt

英語(yǔ)幽默笑話txt篇一：經(jīng)典英文笑話集錦(雙語(yǔ)對(duì)照)

經(jīng)典英文笑話集錦(雙語(yǔ)對(duì)照)

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對(duì)話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬(wàn)美元對(duì)你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬(wàn)年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請(qǐng)求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

四個(gè)好朋友在醫(yī)院里碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產(chǎn).護(hù)士過來(lái)對(duì)第一個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達(dá)雙子隊(duì)的經(jīng)理."過了一會(huì)兒,護(hù)士過來(lái)對(duì)第二個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,護(hù)士跑來(lái)對(duì)第三個(gè)男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對(duì)雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們?nèi)齻�(gè)都很高興,但第四個(gè)伙伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝并用頭撞墻.他們問他有什么不對(duì)勁,他回答道:"什么不對(duì)勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

呵呵,一個(gè)比一個(gè)效率高.

Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

拉登,一加拿大人還有布什總統(tǒng)走在大街上看到一盞金色的燈.他們擦了擦燈出現(xiàn)了一個(gè)精靈.精靈說:"我要滿足你們每人一個(gè)愿望總共三個(gè)."加拿大人說:"我是個(gè)父親我兒子將成為農(nóng)夫,因此我想讓加拿大的土地永遠(yuǎn)肥沃."精靈說了咒語(yǔ)愿望實(shí)現(xiàn)了.拉登看了很驚奇,他希望有座城墻圍繞阿富汗.精靈又說了咒語(yǔ)愿望又實(shí)現(xiàn)了.布什總統(tǒng)問:"精靈請(qǐng)告訴我關(guān)于這座墻

的事情."精靈回答:"墻厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何東西出不來(lái)外面的任何東西進(jìn)不去."布什總統(tǒng)說:"哇!那是座大橋耶...注滿水!!!"

My Baby Swallowed a Bullet

Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?

Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."

Notes

1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一顆子彈

2. to point at: 對(duì)...瞄準(zhǔn)

個(gè)中意味自己體會(huì)吧 :)

Allybaby

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

兩個(gè)獵人進(jìn)森林里打獵，其中一個(gè)獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個(gè)獵人趕緊拿出手機(jī)撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：“第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經(jīng)死亡。”于是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然后聽到那獵人接著問：“第二步怎辦？”

fool_fox

標(biāo)題：I'm the boss

內(nèi)容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

note:staff meeting:員工會(huì)議

再來(lái)一個(gè)：Wife's picture

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

note:tavern 酒館, 客棧

martini 馬提尼酒

peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看過v.偷看

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1.A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對(duì)話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬(wàn)美元對(duì)你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬(wàn)年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請(qǐng)求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."

2.Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama

looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

拉登,一加拿大人還有布什總統(tǒng)走在大街上看到一盞金色的燈.他們擦了擦燈出現(xiàn)了一個(gè)精靈.精靈說:"我要滿足你們每人一個(gè)愿望總共三個(gè)."加拿大人說:"我是個(gè)父親我兒子將成為農(nóng)夫,因此我想讓加拿大的土地永遠(yuǎn)肥沃."精靈說了咒語(yǔ)愿望實(shí)現(xiàn)了.拉登看了很驚奇,他希望有座城墻圍繞阿富汗.精靈又說了咒語(yǔ)愿望又實(shí)現(xiàn)了.布什總統(tǒng)問:"精靈請(qǐng)告訴我關(guān)于這座墻的事情."精靈回答:"墻厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何東西出不來(lái)外面的任何東西進(jìn)不去."布什總統(tǒng)說:"哇!那是座大橋耶...注滿水!!!"

3.Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the

emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the

other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

兩個(gè)獵人進(jìn)森林里打獵，其中一個(gè)獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個(gè)獵人趕緊拿出手機(jī)撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：“第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經(jīng)死亡�！庇谑牵�接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然后聽到那獵人接著問：“第二步怎辦？”

4.Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."

"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

為我所用

一頭大象對(duì)一只小老鼠說：“你無(wú)疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西�！�

“請(qǐng)?jiān)僬f一遍，讓我把它記下來(lái)�！崩鲜笳f。“我要講給我認(rèn)識(shí)的一只跳蚤聽。

5.Watering Flower In Rain

Tom:Why doyou have that watering can?

Dan:I'm going to water the flowers.

Tom:But it'd raining.

Dan:That's OK.I'm wear-ing my raincoat.

雨天澆花

湯姆：你拿噴壺做什么？

丹：我要去澆花。

湯姆：可是，在下雨呀！

丹：沒關(guān)系，我穿著雨衣呢！

How are you? (怎么是你？）

How old are you?（怎么老是你？）

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

鈔票不是萬(wàn)能的,有時(shí)還需要信用卡.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每個(gè)人都應(yīng)該熱愛動(dòng)物,因?yàn)樗鼈兒芎贸?

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

要節(jié)約用水,盡量和女友一起洗澡.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

要用心去愛你的鄰居,不過不要讓她的老公知道.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

每個(gè)成功男人的背后,都有一個(gè)女人. 每個(gè)不成功男人的背后, 都有兩個(gè).

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快樂的單身漢遲早也會(huì)結(jié)婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.

The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise. 聰明人都是未婚的,結(jié)婚的人很難再聰明起來(lái).

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一個(gè)相關(guān)名詞,他會(huì)給你帶來(lái)很多不相關(guān)的親戚（聯(lián)系）.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. 不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

愛情就象照片,需要大量的暗房時(shí)間來(lái)培養(yǎng). （老外也保守，要摸黑辦事，哈哈）

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

后排座位上的小孩會(huì)生出意外, 后排座位上的意外會(huì)生出小孩.

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

英語(yǔ)幽默笑話txt篇二：中英版幽默笑話

New Discovery

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office

building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed,

lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model

stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

新發(fā)現(xiàn)

一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進(jìn)一座大樓，看見一個(gè)歲數(shù)很大的矮胖女人邁進(jìn)一個(gè)小房間。房間的門隨后關(guān)上，有幾個(gè)燈在閃亮。一會(huì)兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 鄉(xiāng)下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應(yīng)該把我的老婆帶來(lái)!”

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking

groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"

"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

業(yè)余工作

我兒子在一所中學(xué)讀二年級(jí)時(shí)，在一家超級(jí)市場(chǎng)找到了一份包裝商品的業(yè)余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。 “第一天感覺如何？”我問。

|“好極了，爸爸�！彼�答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什么？”

“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？

Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the

instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State

University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates

respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

區(qū) 別

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區(qū)別開來(lái)，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學(xué)給我們研究生上工程學(xué)課的老師如此說。“我說?下午好?，本科生們回答說?下午好?。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。”

keep the change

One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four

children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids

lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug,

grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end

of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs.

"Keep the changes," he said with a smile.

不用找了

有一天天氣悶熱，我將冰淇淋舀進(jìn)錐筒，告訴我的四個(gè)小孩，他們可以從我這里用擁抱“購(gòu)買”一筒。于是，孩子們馬上排起了隊(duì)來(lái)購(gòu)買。較小的三個(gè)孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓過冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后輪到排在隊(duì)尾十年的大兒子來(lái)“買”冰淇淋時(shí)，他擁抱了我二下�！安挥谜伊耍�”他笑著說。

Bedtime Prayers

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the

capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the

capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

睡前禱告詞

朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“上帝，求求你，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧�！�

媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什么求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢？”

朱莉葉回答道：“因?yàn)槲以诘乩砜季砩鲜沁@樣寫的。”

That's Why

Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was

already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and

people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's goin

g to be famous

when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot

more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on

all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please

tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but

not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."

原來(lái)如此

吉米三歲開始畫畫，五歲時(shí)已經(jīng)畫得很好了。他畫了很多美麗而有趣的畫，人們出高價(jià)購(gòu)買。他們說，“這個(gè)孩子長(zhǎng)大一點(diǎn)肯定會(huì)出名，我們可以靠這些畫大賺一筆�！�

吉米的畫與眾不同。因?yàn)樗麖膩?lái)不在整張紙上作畫。他只畫一半的紙，而另一半他總空著。

“構(gòu)思多么巧妙啊!”大家都說，“從來(lái)沒有人這么做過�！�

有一天，一個(gè)人買了吉米的畫，然后問他：“請(qǐng)告訴我，吉米，你為什么總是在紙的下半部分畫畫，而不是在紙的上半部分？”

吉米說，“因?yàn)槲覀�(gè)頭小，夠不著上面�！�

I'm Glad

A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others

glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday."

Well done. Who was that!"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours.

Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"

我很高興

一個(gè)主日學(xué)校的教師正在對(duì)學(xué)生講使別人高興的重要性。“聽著，孩子們，”她說，“你們當(dāng)中有誰(shuí)曾讓別人高興過嗎？”

“我，教師，”一個(gè)小男孩說，“昨天我就使別人高興過�！�

“做得好，是誰(shuí)呢？”

“我奶奶�！�

“好孩子�，F(xiàn)在告訴我們，你是怎樣使你奶奶高興的？”

“是這樣的，教師。昨天我去看她，在她那兒呆了三個(gè)小時(shí)。然后我對(duì)她說：?奶奶，我要回家了。?她說：?啊，我很高興。?”

Problem in Arithmetic

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and

he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the

window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went

into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.

"Six for five cents."

"But I don't want six apples."

"How many apples do you want?"

"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."

"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.

"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four

cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two

apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple,

and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."

Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the

store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say

a word.

一個(gè)數(shù)學(xué)問題

比爾是一個(gè)好學(xué)生，也是個(gè)聰明的孩子。他喜歡學(xué)數(shù)學(xué)，課本上所有的數(shù)學(xué)問題他都能不費(fèi)勁地解答。

有一天，在上學(xué)路上，比爾經(jīng)過一家水果店。該店窗戶上有個(gè)招牌上寫著：“蘋果--五美分六個(gè)。”比爾腦筋一轉(zhuǎn)，進(jìn)了店門。

“蘋果怎么賣？”

“五美分六個(gè)。”

“但我不想要六個(gè)�！�

“你想要幾個(gè)？”

“這不是我想要幾個(gè)的問題。這是個(gè)數(shù)學(xué)問題。”

“數(shù)學(xué)問題？你說這話是什么意思？”

“你看，如果六個(gè)蘋果五美分，那么五個(gè)蘋果四美分，四個(gè)蘋果三美分，三個(gè)蘋果二美分，二個(gè)蘋果一美分，一個(gè)蘋果就不要錢。我只要一個(gè)蘋果，如果一個(gè)蘋果一分錢也不要的話，那我也就沒必要給你錢了�！� 比爾揀了一個(gè)好蘋果，開始吃了起來(lái)，然后興高采烈地邁出了店門。那個(gè)售貨員吃驚地望著這個(gè)小男孩，一句話也說不出來(lái)

Lucky Mother

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were

so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small

daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh

brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that.

She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small

girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and

jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said

to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

幸運(yùn)的母親

一位年輕的母親認(rèn)為，世界上還有許多受饑餓的人，浪費(fèi)食物真不應(yīng)該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑面包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬涂在面包上。

母親看了女兒幾秒鐘，隨即說道，“露茜，當(dāng)我象你一樣小的時(shí)候，總是吃面包加黃油，或者面包加果醬，從來(lái)沒有面包既加黃油又加果醬�！�

露茜看了母親一會(huì)兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然后她柔聲說：“您現(xiàn)在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎？”

A Baby Sister

Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?

Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a

new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.

妹妹

保育員：約翰尼，你難道不喜歡你的小妹妹嗎？

約翰尼：那倒不是。她要是個(gè)男孩就好了。威利有了一個(gè)新生的小妹妹，現(xiàn)在他該認(rèn)為我又在學(xué)他的樣子了。

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about

air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his

own small plane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however,

his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the

plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport.

Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off

and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the

plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as

small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

第一次坐飛機(jī)

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機(jī)，他讀過許多關(guān)于飛行事故的報(bào)道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請(qǐng)他乘自己的小飛機(jī)飛行時(shí)，約翰遜先生非常擔(dān)心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機(jī)。

他的朋友啟動(dòng)引擎開始在機(jī)場(chǎng)跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險(xiǎn)的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對(duì)朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來(lái)就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上�！�

I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl

standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside

the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)

一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號(hào)讓火車啟動(dòng)，這時(shí)他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺(tái)上一節(jié)打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。

“快點(diǎn)，小姐!”他喊道：“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上�！�

“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢�！彼�回答道。

“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)�！�

A Good Solution

A gentleman was sitting quietly in a first-class compartment. Two ladies got in.

One of them saw that the window was open and she shut it before sitting down.

"Open it again," said the second lady, "I'll die of suffocation if there is no

英語(yǔ)幽默笑話txt篇三：英語(yǔ)幽默笑話三則

英語(yǔ)幽默笑話三則

學(xué)英語(yǔ)不一定要沉悶地看閱讀寫作文，不如試試讀英語(yǔ)笑話吧！不僅有趣，而且嘗試講給朋友聽，還可以能提升口語(yǔ)能力呢。有了趣味性往往能讓人學(xué)的更有動(dòng)力，不是嗎？

第一則 ：First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aeroplane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small plane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight was the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don’t they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We’re still on the ground."

【第一次坐飛機(jī)】

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機(jī)，他讀過許多關(guān)于飛行事故的報(bào)道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請(qǐng)他乘自己的小飛機(jī)飛行時(shí)，約翰遜先生非常擔(dān)心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機(jī)。 他的朋友啟動(dòng)引擎開始在機(jī)場(chǎng)跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險(xiǎn)的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對(duì)朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來(lái)就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上�！�

第二則 ：Creative

Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.

【創(chuàng)造性】

第一次求職時(shí)，我意識(shí)到在列舉我所具備的為數(shù)不多的條件時(shí)，得有點(diǎn)創(chuàng)造性。當(dāng)問及我是否受過其它的培訓(xùn)時(shí)，我老實(shí)地回答說我花了三年時(shí)間學(xué)計(jì)算機(jī)程序設(shè)計(jì)課。我得到了那份工作。

我沒有提到那門功課我重復(fù)學(xué)了三年才考及格。

第三則 ：A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully and slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

【釘子還是蒼蠅？】

一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進(jìn)了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來(lái)摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個(gè)女服務(wù)員發(fā)現(xiàn)發(fā)生的事情以后，對(duì)他深表同情，決定幫他個(gè)忙。 于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時(shí)，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。 這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務(wù)員沖進(jìn)房來(lái)。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關(guān)緊咬，右手滴血不止

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